A Letter To Twilight Fans

Ax speaks, you listen

A Letter To Twilight Fans

Postby Axikal » Mon Oct 05, 2009 5:13 pm

Dear [Insert Your Name Here],

I feel that over the years, I managed to survive some of the WORST literary shit-storms in history. First, there was the Tolkien mess with the Lord Of The Rings (I\'m sorry, but when it takes a fucking chapter to describe a tree, you suck at writing) trilogy release. Then, we felt the sting of Harry Fuckwit and the Septilogy of Shit. Now, now we have what I feel is far worse than either two: The Twilight Series by Stephanie Meyer.
Now, before you sissies get all up in arms, I read a lot of books. I\'ve read some greats (At The Mountains Of Madness, Firestarter, The Oath, The Norby Chronicles, The Stand, Frankenstein, The Island of Dr. Moreau, The Raven) and some real shitters (Food Of The Gods, Every Harry Potter Book, The Hobbit, anything by Ayn Rand, Fahrenheit 451, The Old Man And The Sea, Moby Dick, Great Expectations) but of all of these monstrosities of literary vomit, none have pissed me off quite as much as The Twilight Series (with one small exception for Harry Potter... I mean Fuckwit).

Those who know me best, know that I love horror. I love zombies, vampires, blood, gore, scares, screams, terror, etc. etc. However, what Twilight does, is shit all over the horror genre in a massive, diarrhetic mountain of lumpy fecal matter. Enough scatalogical metaphors: The books fucking suck. And I\'m going to tell you just WHY they suck.

First off, you have the basic story: Girl moves to another state to accomodate her lovestruck mother, who has newly married some jerkass with a shitty job (fuck Baseball). Girl has hard time adapting to new surroundings. Girl meets guy. Girl falls for guy. Guy is a vampire. ROMANCE ENSUES!!!!
Are you fucking kidding me? This passes for romantic? It\'s so cliché that I\'m sure even the hardest of Harlequin writers are cringing. But not only is it cliché, no, no. It\'s bastardizing everything that was once awesome about Vampires. Yes, vam-fucking-pires. The meanest, cruelest, bloodthirsty nasties of the night. Not only do vampires drink blood (Fucking hell!), but they can turn YOU into a vampire, or just fucking off you.
That\'s. Bad. Ass.

But, enter Edward Cullen -- the second reason why the Twilight Series sucks. Cullen rapes every intelligent, awesome notion about vampires, and completely pussifies the entire species in one fell swoop of overly romanticised bullshit. What\'s wrong with the character? Well, firstly, though he drinks blood, he does NOT drink HUMAN blood. No. To make him likeable (WHY?!), Meyer has him sustain off of ANIMAL BLOOD ONLY! This. Is. RETARDED!
Do you remember Bram Stoker? He wrote a diabolically awesome story called "Dracula", which was romanticised, but it was still bad ass. It didn\'t shoot rainbows up your cunt; it kicked you in the balls. Dracula was a vampire who felt love, but didn\'t hesitate to kill, and feed, to get what he wanted. Which was awesome. Cullen, is a pussy. Complete, total, unabashed PUSSY. Drink some human blood or fucking fuck off.
The next thing wrong with Cullen, is that in the second book, he attempts suicide. I\'m going to repeat that. Edward Cullen. A VAMPIRE. Attempts. To commit. SUICIDE! ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?! No. No, No, No, NO! This is just fucking sissified bullshit written for lovelorn teenaged girls, with no backbone, no brain, and no fucking sense of literary genius. This is half-assed Harlequin trash, disguised in a pseudo-horror package. It\'s balls. It\'s worse than balls. This is ultra-puss. ULTRA-FUCKING-PUSS! I don\'t even think there\'s another word that can adequately describe the amount of suck these books contain, nor the intense amount of sissification that goes on. Fucking A! But, I digress and must press on.

Beyond the shittiness that is Edward Pussfags, there\'s a smaller aspect that pissed the shit out of me. In the end of the first book, the main character is mortally wounded by the antagonist, James (Oooh scary name!!! I\'ll go back to "Voldemort" first, you fucking pansy). Which, to me, would be fucking awesome, but no. Meyer wimps out and Cullen saves her. But wait. She\'s mortally wounded. HOW CAN YOU SAVE SOMEONE WHO IS MORTALLY WOUNDED?! Well, it turns out she ISN\'T mortally wounded, she\'s just bitten. Oh, well, I\'m sure he could... WHAT?! BITTEN BY A VAMPIRE?! AND HE SAVES HER?! NO NO NO! FUCK YOU MEYER!
How does Cullen do it? He "sucks out the venom". :stares: Venom? VENOM?! VAMPIRES DON\'T HAVE FUCKING VENOM! IT\'S A FUCKING CURSE!!! Vampirism CAN\'T. BE. CURED!
And how does the first book end? The main character (the girl), wants to become a vampire. But, Cullen, being the soft-hearted lover that he is (:vomits:), refuses to allow it. So, he\'s not really all that great. He\'s a fucking control-freak, possessive, dickhole. Great hero Meyer. Great fucking job!

So, with the first book wrapped up, how could it possibly get worse? Well, as I stated before, Cullen tries to kill himself in the second book after being misinformed that his love-interest (annoyingly nicknamed "Bella", but I\'ll just refer to her as "Bitch") has died. What a fag. And I\'m not talking, the acceptable, awesome "Hiiiiii" fag. I mean, the ball-less, spineless, pussy-whipped kind of man-fag who should be forced to shotgun Jager and Mezcal while watching back-to-back airings of Rambo, Predator, Roadhouse, Die Hard, and Rocky (for the record, I hate Roadhouse, but damnit; at least it was somewhat manly!).
Also in the second book, we get a bunch of werewolves. Oh lovely. Vampires and werewolves. This has NEVER been done before. Ever. EVER. (Underworld, A Taste Of Crimson, various mangas, etc.). Now "Bitch" has a new friend, some Werewolf named Jacob (really reaching for names, huh?), and Edward Pussfags has left town because he feels his "vampirism" is endangering her. God.. just fucking kill me now. This gets lamer, and gayer, and sissier as I continue to explain; but I shall, for I am a masochist. I\'m also a sadist, so you get to fucking suffer TOO.
So how does book 2 go? Well, there\'s some other bitch from the first book who was dating the main antagonist from book 1, and she\'s now trying to kill "Bitch". Whoopee. But, this doesn\'t take up too much of the book. Instead, what you are treated to, is an overdose of stupid, whiney, teenage-angst ridden recklessness. Apparently, getting in danger causes "Bitch" to have hallucinations of Pussfags\'s voice. So, of course, being the love-sick moron she is, she puts herself in danger constantly to "hear" his voice. If this doesn\'t convince you that Meyer is just another Rowling hack, maybe I should keep going. Because it DOES get worse, though that seems an impossibility at this point.

Actually, I refuse to go any further. I did try to read the other books, but I felt that attempting to go back in time and abort myself, would be far more fucking productive than wallowing through this pseudo-romantic tripe any longer. How does the series end? The two fuckwits get married, have a kid, and live happily together. Sorry Twilight fans who didn\'t finish it yet. I don\'t care. The books suck, and you suck for liking it. You suck for making this shit popular, and bombarding my television with movie trailers for the shitty adaptations. You suck for giving this bitch money for half-assed writing, and bastardising an awesome genre. Fuck you, you suck, this book series sucks, and I, am going to go rip aliens apart with a roll of lint, a tube sock, and two pieces of string.

Because I\'m a fucking man
Image

Image
User avatar
Axikal
Lieutenant 3
Lieutenant 3
 
Posts: 1196
Joined: Wed Sep 16, 2009 5:38 pm
Location: Bethlehem, PA (USA)

Re: A Letter To Twilight Fans

Postby major dave » Mon Oct 05, 2009 5:20 pm

I really do agree with this. My girlfriend forced me to fucking watch Twilight. I was pissed off.
major dave
Captain
Captain
 
Posts: 1578
Joined: Wed Sep 16, 2009 5:38 pm

Re: A Letter To Twilight Fans

Postby Musashi1596 » Fri Nov 13, 2009 11:28 pm

God, I feel sorry for you Dave. I\'m so sorry to hear that.

Now, I understand this... well, I suppose you could say film, is released on Friday next week. I plan to camp in the cinema, and everybody who I hear ordering a ticket to see it will promptly be kidnapped until further notice.

Christ, bring back Dracula, says I.
Image
User avatar
Musashi1596
Administrator
Administrator
 
Posts: 8028
Joined: Wed Sep 16, 2009 5:38 pm
Location: England

Re: A Letter To Twilight Fans

Postby major dave » Sat Nov 14, 2009 1:07 am

[quote="Musashi1596":2inx9dae]God, I feel sorry for you Dave. I\'m so sorry to hear that.

Now, I understand this... well, I suppose you could say film, is released on Friday next week. I plan to camp in the cinema, and everybody who I hear ordering a ticket to see it will promptly be kidnapped until further notice.

Christ, bring back Dracula, says I.[/quote]
Released on my Birthday :( (
major dave
Captain
Captain
 
Posts: 1578
Joined: Wed Sep 16, 2009 5:38 pm

Re: A Letter To Twilight Fans

Postby navypilot1193 » Mon Jan 11, 2010 1:41 am

I might print this out, and frame it. 10/10
navypilot1193
Apprentice
Apprentice
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Dec 06, 2009 1:04 am

Re: A Letter To Twilight Fans

Postby Musashi1596 » Mon Jan 11, 2010 11:03 pm

[quote="navypilot1193":3pobousi]I might print this out, and frame it. 10/10[/quote]Then photocopy and distribute it!
Image
User avatar
Musashi1596
Administrator
Administrator
 
Posts: 8028
Joined: Wed Sep 16, 2009 5:38 pm
Location: England

Re: A Letter To Twilight Fans

Postby Duhstee » Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:28 am

Another thing that ruined Vampires in this book that Ax did not mention was: When the Vampires are in direct sunlight they "glisten", not catch on fire or burn. Vampires DO NOT GLISTEN IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT!!!!! Last time I checked they caught on fire and burned.
User avatar
Duhstee
Lieutenant 2
Lieutenant 2
 
Posts: 962
Joined: Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:21 pm
Location: United States

Re: A Letter To Twilight Fans

Postby Musashi1596 » Fri Jan 22, 2010 12:10 am

[quote="Duhstee":3mv5mz1z]Another thing that ruined Vampires in this book that Ax did not mention was: When the Vampires are in direct sunlight they "glisten", not catch on fire or burn. Vampires DO NOT GLISTEN IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT!!!!! Last time I checked they caught on fire and burned.[/quote]For that matter, vampires generally tend to have fangs...
Image
User avatar
Musashi1596
Administrator
Administrator
 
Posts: 8028
Joined: Wed Sep 16, 2009 5:38 pm
Location: England

Re: A Letter To Twilight Fans

Postby badger2theface » Sun Jan 24, 2010 6:29 pm

[youtube:1tybpknl]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HP4STjKtaz4[/youtube:1tybpknl]

^^^Twilight spoof I made^^^

For more Twi-tard entertainment check out My Life Is Twilight. Or The Anti-Twilight movement. Both hilarious for entirely different reasons!
User avatar
badger2theface
Sergeant 2
Sergeant 2
 
Posts: 227
Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2009 9:00 pm
Location: Missouri, US


Return to Legendary Words

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron